Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
