Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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