peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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