I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
