she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Vodka?
Forever.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
