It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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