so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
