hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
It's just like the Real World with babies
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
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Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
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