East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
