I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
