I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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