I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
