I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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