I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
