why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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