Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
