hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
