come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
