ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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