yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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