If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
