I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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