you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
