I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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