Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
