I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
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I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
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The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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