Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I need to sanitize my soul.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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