well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Hippo gnu deer
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
