WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
