We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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