I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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