She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
