I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
