he puts the penis in happiness.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
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It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
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If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
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