i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
