Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
