it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
