id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
