you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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