Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
