she woke up with a sticky ear
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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