and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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