Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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