Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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