I think I died a long time ago.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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