I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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