I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Alive.
So much puke
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
