I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
