I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Randomize
