I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Randomize
