I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
