it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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