the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Randomize
