I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
