So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
