If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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