You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
