I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
