I cannot find my penis.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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