why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
