I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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