wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Randomize
