my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
